I was born into the Church in 1957. I am the youngest
of six children who are all active in the church, married in
the Temple, etc. The whole time I was growing up I never really
had a testimony of the church, and as I got older I was even
embarrassed to admit that I was a Mormon. I guess it was because
of the "sixties", short skirts, peace, love and freedom
that I felt restricted to the dress standards, the word of wisdom
and being forced to go to seminary at 6:00 in the morning. I
remember my grandmother who was a member of the church, but who
I was very close to as she was an invalid and I would spend the
night there alot to help her with things, saying "What an
un-Godly hour of the morning to have to get up and go to church."
I thought she was pretty cool about that.
I ended up moving out of my parents house on my 18th birthday.
I couldn't wait to get out from under the suppression. My parents
were and are very nice people, both educated but they were so
busy just trying to make ends meet(my mom went to work as a school
teacher when I was in kindergarten)with six children, that they
really didn't have time to give us alot of individual positive
attention. I felt that the only thing they cared about was making
sure we went to church and were involved in all the church activities.
In high school I wanted to join this Christian club; they would
go on picnics, hold hands in a big circle and talk about Christ
out in a field of wild flowers. I thought it was really cool
and alot of the nice kids at school were involved. But my parents
didn't want me to join because it wasn't an LDS activity. They
were so afraid to let me do anything that wasn't church related.
I ended sneaking around just to feel like I fit in.
I had graduated from high school a year early and my parents
sent me to BYU. I went for one semester and then came home as
the money was running out and I needed to go to work. I never
even thought about continuing my education at BYU as I didn't
register for classes for the following semester and there was
no mention of even attending the local community college. I was
young and naive and having been raised to grow up and get married,
education was not the first priority for me then. I think my
parents were hoping I'd find a nice return missionary and get
married. I look back now and wish they had discussed education
and goals for my own future more rather than worrying about my
commitment in the church.
But on my 18th birthday I moved out. My boyfriend came with
his van and I left with a few of my belongings to go live with
my older sister who was not active at all in the church. I eventually
ended up living with Dave for about 6 months before we got married.
I was totally in love and completely happy. We have been married
now for 20 years. We are still in love and happy although we've
been through alot together and have had our ups and downs like
most couples. After we were married for about six months we moved
to Michigan and lived near my husbands relatives. They were all
either Baptists or Pentecostals and so going to their churches
seemed a little different. I thought that if I was going to start
going to church that I would rather go to my church. You see
by that time I was getting homesick for California and after
having my first child I felt like I needed my family. So I guess
the church was the closest thing to that. Dave ended up getting
baptized as he couldn't find anything in the Book of Mormon that
contradicted the Bible. We were sealed in the Washington DC temple
and ended up becoming very active in the branch; Dave was Elder's
quorum president and I was in the relief society presidency,
we were both visiting teachers, etc. By the time I had my third
child I was becoming very depressed. I would come home from church
on Sunday and end up crying as it was all too much to take. I
couldn't do it all. I was trying to be the perfect wife, mother,
and member of the church. I would end up scolding my kids if
they interrupted my when preparing the "perfect" relief
society lesson. I would can our home garden vegetables, make
bread and use cloth diapers even though I could buy vegetables,
bread and disposable diapers at the store! You know the saying
"Use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without"?
We made a cloth banner with that saying at a RS homemaking meeting.
Dave's family was not very happy about our membership in the
church, but they pretty much left us alone about it. They were
very loving, caring people that didn't judge others and accepted
people even though there were differences in opinions of religion
or politics. There was only one time that an aunt and uncle tried
to show us some "anti-Mormon" literature, but I couldn't
deal with hearing anything negative about the whole essence of
my upbringing, so of course I wouldn't even look at the information
they were trying to show us. After that they never mentioned
our religion but only loved us and loved me like I was their
own daughter and niece.
Anyway, about the time I was overwhelmed by the church, we
moved back to California. It was really easy to not go to church
and so we didn't. It was such a nice feeling having that freedom
and be able to spend all our time being involved with our children
and building our life here Northern California. My husband was
very busy with his business and I've been able to be a stay at
home mom. I've tried taking a few college classes, but I am going
to wait and go back after the kids are all off to college. Right
now my oldest daughter is getting ready to graduate from HS,
my son is a junior and will be graduating next year and our youngest
is a freshman and will be gone in about three years.
I feel like I'm getting boring so I'll try to get on with
it. I guess I'm writing this not only to tell you my story, but
to bring how I feel together in words.
Anyway, a few years ago, about three, my husband and I were
not getting along very well. There were a few things in our lives
that were causing stress on our relationship that I don't have
time to go into now. We came to a decision along with our kids
that it might be nice to start going to a church. We thought
this might be the thing that would help bring us together and
maybe adding a spiritual dimension to our life would be good
for the family. The kids don't really remember going to church
much in Michigan, as my oldest was about 5 when we went inactive.(At
the time I remember thinking that I didn't want my kids baptized
in the LDS church and go through the same guilt trips that I
had.) The kids suggested we go to the Mormon church since that
was the church that all their cousins went to on my side of the
family. At this point I thought it would be all right to go because
I thought the kids probably wouldn't like it, (I hadn't at that
age) and because of the problems we were having I thought that
maybe it would even help. Well, on our way out of the church
that first day we went back I asked the kids how they liked it
and my son had already made an appointment with the missionaries
for the next evening! This missionary was really "cool",
a snowboarder and also rode dirtbikes. Right up my son's alley.
I thought to myself "oh boy, here we go again!"
For the last few months I've been mad at myself for making
the decision to go back to the church, but on the other hand
maybe it's OK because by going back for the second time I have
been able to deal with all those haunting questions I've had
about the church my whole life. We ended up continuing to go,
the kids all got baptized and my husband and myself went back
to the temple.
That was the first thing that bothered me. I noticed that
the temple ceremony was different. A sister told me they had
made a new film but I noticed that the ceremony was also different.
I didn't say anything to anyone because your not supposed to
discuss those things outside the temple, and I felt strange bringing
up the question in the celestial room. That was not the time
to question anyone. I had also forgotten my name but my husband
remembered that. I didn't realize until I read one of the letters
on this website that the name you received when doing an endowment
for the dead was given to everyone. Here I would try so hard
not to forget the name and all along the person sitting next
to me had the same name? Unbelievable! But the very first time
I went through the endowment I was pretty freaked out. I remember
the "penalties" and at the time felt it was really
cultish. I was never prepared for that, but my mom and dad were
there, so I thought they understood everything and it was something
they did all the time. I never really questioned it until the
time we went through again and realized that part of the endowment
had been deleted.
That was about a year and a half ago and as I had become very
active again that feeling of the church controlling my life was
starting to take over as it had in the past. As I was feeling
controlled by the organizations many requirements, the old questions
started creeping back in my mind. What about the Blacks and the
priesthood? Why would God hold the descendants of Cain accountable
for his transgression? Weren't all the people on the earth God's
children? Why did He decide that in 1977 [1978] they all of a
sudden became worthy to receive the priesthood? And what about
polygamy? I didn't agree with that. Also, as a Young Women leader
I saw things I didn't agree with. There was a lesson at Girls
Camp on "How to correctly bear your testimony" The
girls were told in a real nice way exactly what they should and
should not say. That seemed a little too much like mind control
for me. Then when I realized that the pressure was on to have
my son prepare for a mission I started thinking. Between the
changes in the temple ceremony, polygamy, the blacks and the
priesthood, I began to have my doubt's that the church was the
ONLY true church on the earth. What about all those other people
of other religions that are wonderful, caring and giving? People
like Mother Teresa? I don't think God will hold someone like
her back from eternal happiness because she's not a member of
the LDS church. I asked my Bishop why all those people work so
hard all their lives doing genealogy work and doing all that
temple work for the dead when there's no way they will ever have
the names of all the people who lived and died since Noah? The
church leaders say that somehow that will be "taken care
of", we don't need to worry about that as long as we do
all we can to get the information that is available. Why not
just say "It's all taken care of."? It would sure save
alot of work. My Bishop said maybe it's "to keep people
busy?" He didn't have a very great answer for me.
My husband and I both feel that if our son is going to go
on a mission for 2 years in the prime of his life, spend at least
$15,000, put off college for 2 years to come home, get married,(he'll
need to do that to stay worthy), start a family(the pressure
is on for young couples to start having a family-that's what
the church is all about)only to have just one year of college
under his belt, struggle to finish school with a young family,
then he had better make sure the church is REALLY true! I feel
that is NOT the only true religion on earth, that all religions
are true to a point, because religious leaders are only human
and are fallible. That's where faith comes in.
So I quit going to church, it feels like stepping out of quick
sand. My husband feels somewhat the same, but it's easier for
him as he was a convert. Growing up in the church has had a deeper
effect on me. The church has a lot of good things, but having
all the decisions made for me growing up has made me insecure
about making my own decisions and given me alot of guilt trips
for not doing more, being more, etc. I feel that my children
have only seen the sanitized version of the LDS church, the fun
youth activities, EFY, girls camp etc. They really don't know
the deep doctrinal foundations of the church. They wouldn't know
some of those things until they go on missions, go to the temple,
hear things in the adult gospel doctrine class that they really
didn't get in seminary or Sunday school. And they would only
see what the church decides to show them. When they do big reports
for school, they are always required to have usually at least
5 sources of information for the bibliography. I feel that we
need to see some of the other sources of information in regards
to the church to make an intelligent, rational, life changing
decision.
A few months ago I told my husband that it would sure be nice
to talk to some other people about how I feel that have been
where I am now. We know of a few people in our community that
are inactive because of intellectual reasons and to talk to them
would be interesting. But I felt that this is such a personal
thing, it might be intruding to ask people we really don't know
personally about why they left the church. So we just kept it
to ourselves. Then one night my husband found your website. It
was what we were looking for. After reading some of the stories
I finally felt validated about my feelings. I was glad to see
that there were other people that had the same feelings and questions
as myself. I ordered a few books such as "The Refiner's
Fire" and "No Man Knows My History". Also some
stuff from the Tanner's about the changes in the temple ceremony
that finally spelled out my own findings. It's all so interesting
to realize how the church has rewritten its history, although
it really makes sense being how perfect Joseph Smith sounds from
the lessons at church. I was so tired of always hearing about
Joseph Smith, Brigham Young, the pioneers, the church programs,
meetings, meetings, meetings instead of Jesus Christ and his
teachings only once in awhile. It just seemed out of balance.
Even when I was in primary, when I got to the class where they
start teaching you about the Doctrine and Covenants, etc., I
never liked all that hell, fire and damnation! It just didn't
sound as Christian as the New Testament.
So even though I'm not a scholar or historian I've had those
doubt's even before seeing any real data that challenges the
church's claims. I feel it's like a sixth sense, a woman's intuition,
I don't know, it's just something you feel, but have to research
in order to know for sure. I've always been too trusting and
taught never to question authority, so it takes effort for me
to be assertive and not give in to other peoples expectations.
I feel really good right now about stepping outside the boundaries
and looking in from another perspective.
Right now my only problem is my kids having their bubble burst.
Taking off the rose colored lenses and looking at their new religion
with rationality and not just emotion. My youngest child is not
having too much trouble with this whole thing because she doesn't
like being told how to dress, talk, feel, etc. anyway. My son
is not sure about a mission anyway, but he's one of those great
kids that wants to do the right thing and doesn't really want
to deal with finding out what he believes is true, may not be.
My other daughter is now 18 and wants to believe, so I don't
quite know how to deal with this other than just continuing to
love them alot and talking to them as adults and hope they can
have an open mind.
You have my permission to share this letter on the website
and I would like to hear from anyone who might have similar feelings
or experiences as myself and want to communicate with me in a
positive way.
This has been an exciting last few weeks for me after finding
this website and it's been great to be able to put into words
some of my feelings and experiences. There's alot more I could
go into, but for now I feel like this is a good start.
Becky
dchene@snowcrest.net
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